Going grey
Surrendering to inaction, the Death card and Better Call Saul
It’s the grey season here in Berlin. For weeks, we’ve been slipping on grey ice, trudging through grey mulch and staring up at a permanently sunless, grey sky.
The winter is grinding on, work is picking up, and the world in general feels like a more depressing place than ever.
The sun did make a longer appearance a few days ago - but by that time I was flat on my back on my grey sofa, barely able to stay awake.
My immune system called time on my campaign to keep pushing through with my usual work, fitness and social commitments despite my changing needs in this relentless winter. So, on Sunday, I surrendered to my body’s demand for rest.
And the colour grey stayed with me.
In my mind, the thought of not being able to do things, of feeling under the weather, and of being slumped on the couch has a grey colour. It recalls my depressive teenage years, where I spent a lot of time indoors, seeking comfort in TV.
And I’ve discovered more grey in myself, too, these last few days, specifically on my head. It’s been a few months since I last dyed my hair, and now the greys are coming out of hiding – these signposts to my decay and eventual demise. Or more positively: signalling my entry into a new phase of life.
Perhaps that’s why the Tarot cards I’ve been pulling for myself in recent weeks have featured a lot of grey skies, too.
The images on the Rider Waite Tarot Deck – which I use as a self-check-in and intuition training tool - have 5 sky colours: light blue, dark blue, yellow, black and grey.
From the knowledge I’ve gathered over the last few years, grey skies in tarot cards indicate an in-between phase, like the fog before the dawn or the pause before clarity comes.
That feels very appropriate at the moment.
My internal world is shifting after months of therapy, and I am trying to mentally prepare myself for what life might look like soon as a parent, but there is still a lot of uncertainty.
I’ve been comforted – you may be surprised to read - to see the Death card appear three times recently. Contrary to most pop-culture references, seeing this card doesn’t mean you’re about to drop down dead (at least, I hope not), but rather it’s about going through the last, difficult phase before the dawn of a new era.
As one of my favourite Tarot YouTubers explains, the Death card shows us that “we need to walk through the void before coming out on the other side. Practising more non-doing and taking less action.”
So, the only thing I feel I can do at the moment is surrender to the grey and to the in-between. And in doing so, I’ve rediscovered an old joy.
I’d forgotten that those grey days of my adolescence were heavily sprinkled with colour and entertainment in the form of great TV shows.
Comedies that I knew off by heart, like Blackadder, Alan Partridge, The League of Gentlemen and Peep Show, formed my sense of humour and helped me find myself back then. Compelling dramas with great characters like Scott and Bailey, Shameless, and later, Breaking Bad, gave me my early education on storytelling before I even realised it.
So I rekindled that spark this weekend by watching Better Call Saul for the first time. I’m usually way behind the curve on hit TV shows, and I’m 10 years late with this one.
The series, ironically, starts in black and white, with the main character, clearly in hiding, reflecting on his colourful career as a con artist and lawyer.
Reclining on my sofa, I found myself immediately pulled into this world and savouring the slow-reveal style of storytelling that comes with extremely well-written characters.
As a writer currently struggling with sharpening the characters in my own novel, watching it done so well these last few days has been inspiring and given me a small push of encouragement to keep plugging away.
Yesterday, as I was starting to feel better, I went out again, back into the grey for a short walk. It had snowed again, and there was, at least, a touch more brightness on the streets, which, for now, I have to keep walking along, slowly, waiting for the next chapter to emerge.